- I have total, complete, and utter empathy for single parents as well as a hell of a lot of respect. Single parenting= no back-up. Tonight I had a migraine. But tonight I also had three children depending on me. (Weird, huh, that they don't just disappear at times like that?) So despite the fact that my head was about to split open. I drank a Pepsi, took my pregnancy approved prescription meds, laid on the sofa for ten minutes and then got to work. I mowed the lawn, brushed teeth, read scriptures, said family prayers, tucked three kids into bed, did the dishes, and picked up. There is no slacking when it is just you taking care of things. To all the single parents, I love you and I am proud of you. To all those who chose single parenthood (i.e. adopted children or otherwise), I think you are mostly insane, but am super impressed.
- I think it is totally unnecessary when people tell something they did with their kids and then follow it up with, "I know, Parent of the Year." I will admit to using a similar expression once on my blog. When I did it, I used it with some trepidation. But since I thought what I had done was actually hilarious (trapping all 3 of my kids in a tunnel at the same time) and not a sign of bad parenting, I deemed it acceptable. Following are three examples that I see parents making excuses for or feeling bad about.
- "I just served my child macaroni and cheese with hot dogs for lunch. Parent of the Year." Ugh. I give my kids both of those items for lunch all the time and don't see anything wrong with it. They also eat Ramen noodles, Campbell's soup, and frozen chicken nuggets on a regular basis for lunch. I don't think it is a sign of great parenting to make your child a sandwich from scratch or whip up a vegetable casserole for lunch every day. Maybe this annoys me so much because I hate making lunches. I much prefer making dinner to lunch, weird huh? But I don't think giving your child a pre-prepared item on their plate is a sign of lazy or bad parenting. You want to know why? Because my kids eat it. It may not be the most nutritious item in the world, but they are at least not starving. I try my best to give them healthy sides (i.e. include a fruit, vegetable, dairy, grain, and some sort of desserty item) but that doesn't always work out either. So let's cut each other some slack and stop trying to make ourselves feel bad about a few Ramen noodles (remember when I used to add butter to Brisbane's? Gross.).
- "My children watched four hours of television today while I took a nap. Parent of the Year." Ok, so the four hours part may be an exaggeration in this example. But nobody cares. I am certainly not judging anyone for how much television their kids watch. Most parents have an ideal "limit" that they try to keep screen time under. Ours is two hours a day (this is Medical School approved according to Mack). That usually consists of two shows on PBS in the morning (because Brisbane would rebel if he didn't get to see Dinosaur Train) and 30 minutes of LeapPad in the afternoon). But even though that is our ideal, we fudge it a lot. Especially now that I am a pregnant and alone, the television is a great help. Thank goodness my mother sent old Bugs Bunny and Tom and Jerry cartoons on DVD for my kids to watch. It kept all three of my kids totally engrossed while I mowed the lawn tonight. I needed to mow at the coolest time of the day and when it was light out. Plus there was no way I was getting up at 5am. So 7:00 tonight was it. What is a girl to do? Plop the kids in front of the tv. Do I feel bad about it? Not. One. Bit. There is a lot more to parenting then engaging with your children and keeping them away from electronics. There are chores to be done, meals to be made, and every parent needs a break. So don't worry about it. We all do it. And all of our kids are going to turn out fine. Just think, my kids could be watching "Rise of Chucky" (which back when I was a teacher, my fourth graders told me they watched garbage like that on a regular basis), so I think I'm doing ok.
- "I spent the whole day scoping out Facebook, Pinterest, and reading blogs about Food & Crafts. Parent of the Year." I highly doubt you spent all day doing that, since I know from personal experience, ten minutes of totally unsupervised children and you have crayon marks on the walls, fingers smashed in doors, and broken toys. (What? Your kids don't do those things? Interesting.) And even if those things did happen, you now can't be on the computer because you have to clean up and fix the craziness that ensued while you were distracted. All parents "check out" or "ignore" their kids at some point during the day. Every adult needs some time for themselves. Am I always super proud of the amount of time I spend on social media, crafting/cooking websites, and curled up on my sofa with a book? Of course not! But I am human. And I do need time for myself. Time to be intellectually stimulated (that is obviously not referring to Facebook). I am not one bit embarrassed about that time I take for myself each day, because in the long run, it makes me a better Mother.
- Which brings me to my last musing, the old notion, "What do stay-at-home Moms do all day?" I have been fortunate enough to have never been asked this question. In fact most people I know, both working Mothers and women without children, are super impressed with the amount of energy and the enormity of being a stay-at-home parent. I have heard on several occasions, "I just could never do that". I am sure that they could. But I understand the sentiment completely. Being a stay-at-home Mom is not easy. It is emotionally, physically, and mentally draining. I cry almost weekly about my shortcomings as a parent or lamenting the fact that I am probably ruining my children for life. (Mack is really good about assuring me that I am not.) There is no leaving my job. I can't walk away at five, skip an unpleasant task and come back to it later (those little pip-squeaks expect to be fed three times a day with snacks in between, regardless), or diversify my life by separating work from play or work from home-life. There are no rewards or pats on the back for parenting. No big accolades for cleaning the bathroom really well or planning an engaging activity that my child will not only enjoy but will also help prepare them for school or life. Although seeing my kids grow and develop is good enough for me. But even with all that, I have no plans to ever do anything else.
- Side note: Isn't it nice to be complimented? Next time you see a parent out and about with their kids, find something to compliment about them or their children. It can be something simple. I always try to do this. Give people a thumbs up for having well behaved kids at the store. Or even if their kids are screaming and throwing things, tell them their kids look great or compliment them for keeping their cool. Let them know that you don't mind the fuss their kid is making. Because I bet you they are totally embarrassed if their kid is being a pill. And no matter what, they could use a little love. I know I really appreciate it when people say nice things to me. And I try to turn around and pass that compliment to my kids, whether right in the moment or when we get to the car.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Random Musings About Parenthood
I was mowing the lawn tonight, which gave me a child free moment to think. Mack is away doing medical school rotations for two months. That means eight weeks of me vs. three children. We have survived (and mostly thrived) these first two weeks. But I have to admit. It's been really hard. It has given me lots of time to contemplate my role (and approach) as a mother. And has made me insanely grateful for Mack. So here are some of my random musings on Parenthood, in no particular order and with no necessary correlation.
Family Trumps Cancer: Cancer Through the Eyes of a Sister-in-Law
Three years ago we found out that my sister-in-law (Mack’s sister) had breast cancer. I remember thinking, “It’s Shannon. She’s tough. If anyone can beat cancer, it’s her”. And I think that I am still right.
Recently Shannon’s health has taken a turn for the worse and her family has watched as she, her husband, and their kids have struggled with the news that she will pass away. When Mack and I found out how sick she was, we decided to make an impromptu trip to Utah to see Shannon, Jay, and their family. It happened to work out that Mack’s parents were also going to Utah that weekend and all of Mack’s siblings would be converging on Provo at the same time.
I don’t do well with sickness. I have an understanding with my children that
they are not allowed to puke unless Mack is home. Two of the three have followed that rule,
Brisbane has yet to learn the principal of obedience. I also don’t do well with being sad. I am not a crier by nature but sadness and
saying goodbye will get me every time. I
wasn’t sure what to expect from this trip because add all of those factors to
hormonal pregnant woman and I had been a bit of a crying mess the days leading
up to the trip.
For one thing, I hate seeing Mack sad. Mack is definitely the more tender hearted
one in our marriage. He is sensitive and
caring and sincerely wants to see everyone around him happy. Having to watch him watch his sister be sick
has been devastating to me. After we got
back from our trip to Utah, we were lying in bed one night and he said, “I get
to die first. You aren’t allowed.” This is a bit of an ongoing debate with us,
but it is usually light hearted banter (since we realize we have no control
over which of us dies first). He said,
“I can barely stand watching my sister sick, you definitely can’t leave
me”. It broke my heart all over again.
But back to our trip.
When we got home, Mack described it at the perfect combination of
sadness and really good fun. The
siblings all shared some of their best memories and Jay recorded his wife
talking about various times in her life as her brothers and sisters quizzed
her. We ate lots of yummy food (Mack’s
family is really good at the food thing) and spent lots of time visiting. It was great to see everyone and I am so glad
that we went.
We took lots of pictures while we were there, but this one
is my favorite. It’s just Mack and I
with Shannon and Jay. When we first
arrived and I went to give Jay a hug, the first thing he said to me was, “We
are SO excited for you guys! We pray for
you and the babies every night!” This
was the first time I had seen most of the family since we got pregnant. I was so incredibly touched. Here is a man who is suffering incredibly and
experiencing one of the worst family crises I can imagine, and he is praying
for ME. Shannon and Jay have twin boys
and know how excited we are to finally be pregnant. That is one of the wonderful things about
family. No matter what you are going
through in your own nuclear family or in your personal life, you always see the
need and always have the desire to pray and have an increased love for your
family. We pray for Shannon, Jay, and
the kids every night and are so grateful that they pray for us too.
Leaving Utah was very hard.
We had to say goodbye to all of Mack’s siblings and wonderful family and
we had to say goodbye to Shannon. We may
never see her again in this life, but I thank my Heavenly Father every night
for eternal families and the knowledge that because Mack and I are sealed and
he is sealed to his family, we will get to see Shannon and all the rest of our
family again after our mortal journey ends.
Nobody knows how long each of our individual journeys on
this earth will last. Shannon has defied
medical odds to still be here today. I
knew three years ago that she was a fighter and after spending two days with
her a few weeks ago, that thought has been reaffirmed. Cancer hasn’t beaten her. In the end, cancer doesn’t get to win. Our Heavenly Father’s plan is what wins. Our faith and our testimonies in our Savior,
Jesus Christ, is what wins. And for
that, I am eternally grateful.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Reese's Birthday
In order to not make Jessenia feel bad, we also celebrated Reese's birthday on the wrong day. Mack was leaving for a rotation in Snowflake and wouldn't be in town for Reese's actual birthday and so we celebrated just a few days early.
Funny story: In the above picture, Reese is holding a box that contains a massive car ramp (Disney Cars themed). It has these little cars that race down it. It's a pretty cool toy, although a little precarious when put together. I set it up for him after he was in bed that night and he got to play with it the next day. Jessenia came up to me and said, "Mom? I forgot that I wanted a giant car ramp for my birthday." Nice try, Missy. You didn't forget, you are just having gift envy (even though less than a month earlier she was perfectly satisfied with all her presents). I had to call my mom and tell her that next year I am just getting three of all the same gifts and giving them to each child on their birthday. It will save a lot of drama later (and will make gift shopping much easier).
In a truly grown up move, Reese chose an actual sit down restaurant for his birthday dinner. Downside: Much more expensive. Upside: We got to go to a real restaurant. Upside Wins! Thank you, Reese. We went to BJ's (one of his mother's favorite places)... delicious. I am pretty sure the only reason he picked it, was because it has a revolving door. In fact when we asked him where he wanted to go, he said, "To the place with the door that spins". Good thing Mack knew what he was talking about. The mind of a five year old...
Reese asked for a Finn McMissle cake (he is a character on Disney's Cars 2). I am just not capable of that and so all along I was just planning on buying some toy cars and making sure Finn McMissle made an appearance. Of course I was shamed when the wife of a friend of mine made her son a cake shaped like Lightning McQueen (another character from Disney's Cars). It was awesome. I asked my friend if she would fly down and make a cake for Reese, but since it was only a few days before my Finn McMissle cake was needed and I wasn't offering any monetary compensation, I was laughed at. (I know, the nerve of some people :)).
When Reese saw the cake he was totally disappointed (which did make me feel bad, but there was nothing I could do). Jessenia was sure to point out though that Finn McMissle was indeed on the cake. Thanks Sis, you are always in my court. Of course he got over it and now he is thrilled that he has four new cars to play with. I have refrained from rubbing it in that if I had made a cake shaped like Finn McMissle, he wouldn't still be playing with it a month later. Boo-yah!
We love our Reese and his spunky personality. We may not always see eye to eye (he told me right around his birthday, "I make my own rules and those are the only rules I follow".) but he is one big bundle of love. This kid gives the best squeezes and is always ready to discuss any and everything going on around him. I love his curious mind and can't wait for the adventures that being five will bring.
Drunk on Chocolate
No members of our family will be referring to Summer 2013 as the most fun they have ever had. Hopefully our kids are just young enough to not think of it as the "Summer My Mother was a Complete Borefest and Laid on the Sofa All Day and Only Talked to Us When We Were Getting a Consequence for Misbehavior That Occurred in the First Place Because We Were Bored". Aka The Summer I Was Pregnant with Twins. I have been really tired and 120 degree weather does not inspire this mother to get out much. Sorry kids.
So it was the 4th of July, Mack was home and not studying for Boards, and I decided to spice things up a bit. No fireworks in unincorporated parts of Maricopa county and so the kids were out of luck there. Instead we made a fun treat. And it was a mess. The kids put two jumbo marshmallows on a popsicle stick. Mack covered them in melted chocolate and I helped the kids roll them in red, white, and blue sprinkles. If I had gotten this idea from Pinterest, it definitely could have made one of the many "Pinterest Fail" websites. They were semi-cute (but mostly ugly) and since Mack and I both think sprinkles taste gross, they were only semi-good (mostly nasty).
We had lots of extra chocolate though and so we had a little fondue party. Where every picture taken looked like my kids were drunk. For the record, they were not.
Reese looks horrified in the background. It's that hangover headache kicking in early.
Peek-A-Boo
Mack (a month ago): "Brisbane gets cuter every day!"
Mack (last week): "Brisbane gets cuter every minute!"
It's pretty much true.
Jessenia's Birthday!
The year Jessenia gets to celebrate her birthday ON her birthday, we are going to have a smashing party. Last year Mack had a test the day after her birthday so we postponed the party a few days. This year Jessenia got her tonsils out less than a week before her birthday, so we celebrated the night before tonsil removal. She has no idea. And it was the best decision we could have made. She was still miserable on her real birthday, plus she had all of her new toys to play with while she was recuperating.
My encouragement of Chick-fil-A after Brisbane's birthday bash, apparently did not fall on deaf ears, and that's where Jessenia chose for her dinner. Reese and Jessenia even sat at their own little table. It looked like two little cuties on a date. (Reese as a teenager: "Mom! That's disgusting!")
After cake I set the pool up in the backyard and the kids had their first swim of the year.
We love our sweet Jessenia. She definitely wants to be a helper (even when her 'help' isn't really all that useful). She is such a good big sister to Brisbane and has the biggest imagination. We are grateful every day for her goodness and life just wouldn't be the same without her.
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