Today a very well intentioned friend asked, "Are they brother and sister?", while pointing to Jessenia and Brisbane. The first snarky thought that popped into my head was "DUH!" This lady knew the most basic answer to that question and since I knew her intention was not to offend and she is someone that I see frequently on a semi-professional basis, I did not say "duh" and walk away. A more tactful way to ask her question would have been, "Are they biological siblings?" But of course I knew what she meant and gave her the long run down of which of my children are biologically related and which aren't.
I read several blogs written by people who have adopted/about adoption and so I have read several posts about "Awkward/Rude Things People Ask About Adopted Children". Most of them are hilarious because the questions are so offensive that any well-adjusted individual should know that it is probably not the right thing to ask. We obviously get asked a lot about adoption. Most people are very well intentioned. We are not easily offended and like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But for the fun of it (and because my friend made me think of it today) I thought I would write some of my favorite questions/comments that make me cringe.
1. "What does their father look like!?" Yeah, that's weird. When I have all of the kids at the grocery store, I get a lot of stares (and the demographic that stares in the most awkward and appalled sort of way is always older men...cracks me up). Obviously I know what a lot of people are thinking about as they see my dark skinned and dark haired children with a very pale skinned, blonde haired mother. But when people verbalize it in such a way, it is pretty awkward. My response. "Blonde haired and whiter than me." Then they don't know what to say.
I recently read about a Caucasian man who had his biracial daughters at Wal-Mart with him and a customer called security, who then called the police, because they didn't seem to "fit". Come on people. Adoption is so much more prevalent in society. Interracial marriages are so much more prevalent. And who is to say that the man wasn't babysitting or helping out a family or friend. This scenario is so ridiculous. Please don't call the cops on our family!
2. "Are you their real mother!?" It is important when you know someone has adopted to make a clear delineation between birth parents and the children's actual parents. I am my children's REAL mother. I even have a birth certificate and some expensive court documents (that cost me nearly $20 to be replaced if the staple is removed) that state as much. It doesn't get more "real" than that, folks.
3. "Aren't your kids so lucky that you adopted them!?" We actually think that we are the lucky ones. This idea that we somehow "saved" our kids is really grating to me. Brisbane's mother was a great woman. She made a very difficult decision when she placed him for adoption. His life would have been wildly different if she had raised him. But that doesn't mean that he needed saving. Reese and Jessenia's parents fought very hard to regain the rights to them. It is still uncertain what happened to them and since the courts could never determine how Reese's injuries were sustained, they were put up for adoption. There is a good chance (I like to believe) that if they had been returned to their birth parents, they would have been loved and taken care of. Again, their lives would have been very different from how they are going to be raised, but that's ok. Just because someone is raised differently or not in what might be viewed as a 'normal middle class home' does not mean that they need to be saved by adoption. Yes, we are very grateful that each of our children are in our home. Yes, we believe strongly that they are meant to be raised by us and sealed to us forever. But make no mistake. Luck has nothing to do with it.
5. "You are just so amazing for what you have done for those children." For the record, we didn't adopt because we wanted to be heroes. We adopted because we wanted children. (Selfish, huh?) I am no more amazing than any other mother who is diligently raising her children and desperately praying that they will grow up to be contributing members of society.
These last two are a little bit different in nature and potentially more controversial.
4. I don't have a specific statement here. But on several occasions people have made comments to me about living in neighborhoods with minorities or sending their kids to school with minorities or something else to that effect. One of the easiest decisions Mack and I had to make when filling out paperwork for adoption was what races/ethnicities of children we were willing to accept. Any and all!
Please remember that when you make comments like that, you are talking about MY kids. My sweet little kids. My sweet kids who ask at dinner why their skin is darker than their parents. My kids who wonder why they don't have to wear sunscreen and why when they do it won't rub in all the way. My sweet kids who are being raised to know that how we treat people should not be based on what someone looks like or what color their skin is. We are all children of our Heavenly Father and loved dearly.
Also know that transracial adoptions are very hard on parents. We want our children to be accepted. We want them to feel loved. It is something that we consciously worry about. Our children will always be raised by white parents. But Reese and Jessenia will also always be full blooded Guatemalan. And Brisbane will always be biracial. It is sad when people are so absorbed in worrying about petty differences, like the race of the people who live on their street or attend their child's school.
5. "You're pregnant! That ALWAYS happens to people who adopt!" Of all of the questions/comments I have listed, this is the one we hear the most frequently (and we are only five months pregnant). It is also the comment that makes me most physically ill (and no, it's not morning sickness). When we started the adoption process, people used to say. "As soon as you adopt, you are going to get pregnant!" While this is probably said in jest or in an attempt to bring hope, it is actually quite offensive. It devalues and belittles the struggles that thousands of couples go through with infertility. Infertility is a very complicated process and even though you may have heard of or read on Facebook about one person that got pregnant right after adopting (I certainly know one person personally) it is not the reality for the HUGE majority of couples. After doing invitro, we learned that medically speaking we have virtually no chance of every conceiving children naturally. While Heavenly Father can make anything happen, it is unlikely that one day I will just find out that I am pregnant without having to have shots and a million doctors appointments.
So when I finally did become pregnant (through invitro) and people made comments about families who adopt always getting pregnant, I seethed. We spent an exorbitant amount of money on just the chance that we MIGHT be able to be pregnant. There are never any guarantees with fertility treatments. And it wasn't like it just happened naturally for us. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, prayers, faith, and hope went into this pregnancy. I just wish people were more sensitive to the individual stories and struggles of people and couples.
Hopefully that was enlightening to some people. It certainly was therapeutic to write out. We love talking about adoption and are always happy to share our struggles with fertility. I am hoping to write more candidly about some of my thoughts and feelings on those two subjects on my blog. It is hard to find a way to honor my family through the tough experiences that we have. And it is also hard not to worry about being judged for what happens behind the scenes of adoption and infertility. I am truly grateful for those who have supported us in our journey. And if you have read to the end, know that the people who ask the above questions, and make the above comments, are most often not people who know Mack or I very well. Our dearest friends and family have always been our biggest cheerleaders and we love you all for that (since who the heck else is reading this anyway?).
